go to a concert all by myself
follow kickboxing classes
enjoy eating out
be so open on the internet
These are all things that once seemed impossible for me.
As everyone I have days that are just bad days. Sometimes I write on those days. I like writing a lot.
Reading what i wrote can be really painful, sometimes the feeling i had while writing comes flashing back. I want to share one short piece of text i wrote. It’s about the reason I don’t deserve to feel better.
I am not sure I deserve anything at all. The thing that makes me ‘deserve’ anything is that for all I envy I suffer at least twice as much.
It was a struggle between self-hate and anxiety today. And then i slept a lot trying to not feel anything while feeling exhausted by feeling so so much.
I don’t even realize how bad i feel, until i take a moment to reflect on myself.
At first i simply felt tired, exhausted. Even after many hours of sleep. But i’m avoiding everything that scares me by doing so. It doesn’t help at all. My schoolwork keeps pilling up and my social life that somehow managed to change entirely in a very short time just makes me feel disappointed in myself.
And there you have it, all the ingredients for a shitty day.
I could have had a lovely day in the park after working on my essay for a short while. And finishing the day by helping my sister with packing her bag.
However i don’t want to end my day so negative. This week my mindset has been negative enough.
Even if i had a talk so special that just thinking about it causes tears to form in my eyes. I’m really grateful for the talk and the wise words i heard ?
I ate warm poffertjes
I had a nice bikeride trough the rain
I am constantly reminded that a certain German thinks and cares about me as much as i do for her?
I have the most weird lovely family
I got a bag filled with clothes (don’t want to be materialistic but it is okay to be happy with new nice clothing)
I made a gratitude list on Monday, which i shared on my Instagram.
Writing helps a lot, it helps me to put things into perspective and makes me optimistic for change. It activates me.
Hope that you did not have a shitty day!
Lots of love,