Currently I have way too many drafts. Things I started writing about but then stopped halfway. Things that don’t feel complete or good enough. And this seems like the perfect example for my thoughts as well.
There are many things on my mind. Too many to fully think about them all. Some I tried to channel logically and give a final summery to. Others I am simply avoiding at all costs. And others only get attention a short while and then I either forget about them, or they get overrun by other thoughts. I have to prioritize. Write the most important ones down on paper. Think about how to achieve goals and learn how to place my thoughts in a way that it doesn’t overwhelm me. Let some thoughts go. Accepts changes and await for what the future will bring.
But we like having you as company! And yes, i also enjoy being with you. It’s just that sometimes, being the third wheel feels really lonely and unwanted. To be between friends.
Guys, i have a slight problem, again.
After being third wheel for a while i got to know both persons. We became friends. Shitty friends if you ask me, because what kind of friend are you if you can only meet when it’s the three of you.
I do get it, perfectly even, my boyfriend hanging out with my friends, without me? No, rather not.
Forced to be acquaintances. But what if they break up? Do i just say bye and never speak to them again? That’s also weird. But actually meeting and hanging out would possibly be even weirder.
Anyways, now a new dilemma arose.
Two people, yet again, the same story all over. If possible maybe a thousand times more difficult.
The main wheels form a highly unbelievably difficult existence. And now i, the third wheel, is doing all kinds of things, in the hope of not falling apart, to keep us rolling. Being friends of two people who can trust me, the subject of two, the admirer of two, yet left out by both.
All i want is for them to be happy. I thought so, in the mean time i want more. I want way more. Trying to give advise without any knowledge about the manner, me an emotional wreck with too many feelings. Sharing hurts, as i tell things to certain people with an intention, only for them to hear.
The last weeks i felt lonelier then ever. I finished an important chapter in my life, something i wanted to celebrate.
I hoped the person i wanted to celebrate it with would hug me and tell me how proud they are. I hoped it would be our secret and people would wonder what we were celebrating. But it wasn’t you who knew. The only one who knew was my partner in crime, my crazy lovely buddy. I can only hope we will know each other for a very long time.
But you, you are a different story. I knew it was complicated, but yesterday everything got more and more complicated. My head filled with confetti.
I like to keep my stories a bit cryptic, not only to prevent it being too personal and too difficult for me, but also to make you see the story and fill the gaps with your life. For you to know you are not alone, we all have struggles sometimes. A solidarity based on life obstacles.
I wrote it so cryptic, that even i don’t know about who i was talking about. Which is weird because i would expect myself to remember such an important thing. Truth is it could have been many people, in many different ways. I wrote this a while back obviously.
It became an incoherent whole, but i hope you can find something in this piece of text that speaks to you!
i can be so open
in my thoughts and on paper
sometimes i am a bit weird,
in the sense that i put too much effort in things
things that seem so pointless to others
i am grateful for silly small things like someones love for socks, someone being their weird self, the joy of others in something they really like even if it seems like no big deal to me. A feeling someone gives of. A certain calm or a certain energized happiness.
I want to show people their worth. Especially if they don’t seem to see it themselves. Between a whole lot of arrogant stupid people there are so many souls that light up so bright, they blind themselves. I want to be the person who helps them notice, just how wonderful they are. How they are worth effort, time and space.
I believe in self-love. And at times i don’t live by it myself. Just a kind word can change a whole day, and you do not need to hear those words from someone else. You are enough <3
It was a struggle between self-hate and anxiety today. And then i slept a lot trying to not feel anything while feeling exhausted by feeling so so much.
I don’t even realize how bad i feel, until i take a moment to reflect on myself.
At first i simply felt tired, exhausted. Even after many hours of sleep. But i’m avoiding everything that scares me by doing so. It doesn’t help at all. My schoolwork keeps pilling up and my social life that somehow managed to change entirely in a very short time just makes me feel disappointed in myself.
And there you have it, all the ingredients for a shitty day.
I could have had a lovely day in the park after working on my essay for a short while. And finishing the day by helping my sister with packing her bag.
However i don’t want to end my day so negative. This week my mindset has been negative enough.
Even if i had a talk so special that just thinking about it causes tears to form in my eyes. I’m really grateful for the talk and the wise words i heard ?
I ate warm poffertjes
I had a nice bikeride trough the rain
I am constantly reminded that a certain German thinks and cares about me as much as i do for her?
I have the most weird lovely family
I got a bag filled with clothes (don’t want to be materialistic but it is okay to be happy with new nice clothing)
I made a gratitude list on Monday, which i shared on my Instagram.
Writing helps a lot, it helps me to put things into perspective and makes me optimistic for change. It activates me.