I thought i had a good outlook on the time. But last minute I remembered that the road was still closed so I had to take a little detour. And it was also still cold en not every path would be free of snow, another couple extra minutes. So I still ended up hurrying a bit. Running late as I always seem to do, I still took time to check the mailbox. And on top of unwanted mail there was one letter, addressed to me. First person who I could think of sending me a Christmas letter did not match the handwriting, although the writing looked familiar. Half busy getting my bike i inspected the envelope a bit better and identified the sender. A big smile appeared on my face but I reminded myself I was in a hurry. In a millisecond I decided to put the card in my jacket and open it at my destination.
There we were together. Walking trough the cold. One hand holding our board the other holding each other. Even though the weather was freezing, your hand was still warm. You let go of my hand. Klamme handjes, you said. I took your hand in mine again. I quite like it, I said, it feels warm and trusted. But only from you. And we both smiled.
As everyone I have days that are just bad days. Sometimes I write on those days. I like writing a lot.
Reading what i wrote can be really painful, sometimes the feeling i had while writing comes flashing back. I want to share one short piece of text i wrote. It’s about the reason I don’t deserve to feel better.
I am not sure I deserve anything at all. The thing that makes me ‘deserve’ anything is that for all I envy I suffer at least twice as much.
But we like having you as company! And yes, i also enjoy being with you. It’s just that sometimes, being the third wheel feels really lonely and unwanted. To be between friends.
Guys, i have a slight problem, again.
After being third wheel for a while i got to know both persons. We became friends. Shitty friends if you ask me, because what kind of friend are you if you can only meet when it’s the three of you.
I do get it, perfectly even, my boyfriend hanging out with my friends, without me? No, rather not.
Forced to be acquaintances. But what if they break up? Do i just say bye and never speak to them again? That’s also weird. But actually meeting and hanging out would possibly be even weirder.
Anyways, now a new dilemma arose.
Two people, yet again, the same story all over. If possible maybe a thousand times more difficult.
The main wheels form a highly unbelievably difficult existence. And now i, the third wheel, is doing all kinds of things, in the hope of not falling apart, to keep us rolling. Being friends of two people who can trust me, the subject of two, the admirer of two, yet left out by both.
All i want is for them to be happy. I thought so, in the mean time i want more. I want way more. Trying to give advise without any knowledge about the manner, me an emotional wreck with too many feelings. Sharing hurts, as i tell things to certain people with an intention, only for them to hear.
The last weeks i felt lonelier then ever. I finished an important chapter in my life, something i wanted to celebrate.
I hoped the person i wanted to celebrate it with would hug me and tell me how proud they are. I hoped it would be our secret and people would wonder what we were celebrating. But it wasn’t you who knew. The only one who knew was my partner in crime, my crazy lovely buddy. I can only hope we will know each other for a very long time.
But you, you are a different story. I knew it was complicated, but yesterday everything got more and more complicated. My head filled with confetti.
I like to keep my stories a bit cryptic, not only to prevent it being too personal and too difficult for me, but also to make you see the story and fill the gaps with your life. For you to know you are not alone, we all have struggles sometimes. A solidarity based on life obstacles.
I wrote it so cryptic, that even i don’t know about who i was talking about. Which is weird because i would expect myself to remember such an important thing. Truth is it could have been many people, in many different ways. I wrote this a while back obviously.
It became an incoherent whole, but i hope you can find something in this piece of text that speaks to you!