When I first started seeing my boyfriend, we were already talking about mental illness quite soon. Partly due to the place we accidentally decided to have tea at. It soon became clear that we were both no strangers to mental illnesses and before I knew it I was telling him about my history with anxiety. I even told him that I was just finishing up on my therapy and that I wanted to take time to ‘find myself’. Focus on me and find my place in the world. He had told me a bit about his struggles and again I was reminded that you can’t see a mental illness.
Sometimes there are just days that I’m frustrated. Things don’t go as planned and everything just seems to go wrong. And even when things go just as you like, you still feel annoyed and bothered. Grumpy bad days. It’s totally normal to have them. But lets be honest, totally not fun.
It’s the end of January and most of us are starting to forget our new years resolutions. Please say I am not the only one. There is this really fun thing to do, that really helps clear the mind. It makes you think about what is important and what you really want in life. So I really like to write things down, but if you don’t like that so much you can also practice it by simply thinking. Writing it is a bit more helpful for when you’re not feeling to well to just read trough it. And when you write it down it is also on paper and it makes it more real. So I would definitely recommend writing it down!
I don’t want to write a cheesy love story down. I found my soulmate, my love, last year. It’s strange how good we connected and grew as a couple and as people. And even though you can never be certain, I feel so in love and loved, and I can only be truly grateful for being together.
The thing is, I always was or at least felt a bit different. In the sense that I had a very bad self esteem and I could never imagine anyone liking me. I went through many years filled with mostly anxiety and never really felt good and confident. Do not get me wrong here, in those years I did many things that I liked and my days were mostly filled with joy. I somehow always managed and found people with whom I connected and with whom I felt like I could really be myself. Hi Noëlle and Asmara <3 But internally I was also struggling with anxiety, I was very shy and a total anti-social introvert. I had totally accepted being forever alone.
I thought i had a good outlook on the time. But last minute I remembered that the road was still closed so I had to take a little detour. And it was also still cold en not every path would be free of snow, another couple extra minutes. So I still ended up hurrying a bit. Running late as I always seem to do, I still took time to check the mailbox. And on top of unwanted mail there was one letter, addressed to me. First person who I could think of sending me a Christmas letter did not match the handwriting, although the writing looked familiar. Half busy getting my bike i inspected the envelope a bit better and identified the sender. A big smile appeared on my face but I reminded myself I was in a hurry. In a millisecond I decided to put the card in my jacket and open it at my destination.